Standards

Sometimes you can't help but fall below the standards you expect of yourself. It seems that, once again, school is going to be one of those topics. The best I can expect in one course is a B-, and I have an A- reported for another class. I was quite hoping that I would get an A in at least one class to bring up that grade. Now the best I can hope for is one A, when I was really striving for two or three.

Tired

Well, it's a good thing I'm already dead inside, because otherwise I would be a lot more upset about the past 24 hours. Yay!

I bought my Kingdom Hearts game for myself a couple days ago, and so far it's made me pretty happy. I don't think I enjoyed it as much as I thought I would though, especially since I'm feeling pretty damn exhausted from the past couple of hours and all I really want to do right now is sleep. I hate feeling alone and useless, but I hate even more that other people can make me feel like crap but I lack the ability to make myself feel better. I mean really, how fair is that? I should have more control over myself than other people have over me. The worst part is I'm not sure if its just a mental thing that I don't understand or if it's just a part of my personality that until now I haven't realized. Is it something I can help, or is it just another character flaw that I need to adjust for the rest of my life? Who really knows?

My family was blessed with a nephew this past week, a healthy baby boy. I won't get to meet the child for a while; such that I don't even really know when. I will have to make up for it by spending lots of time with my sister's child, whom I know to be an adorable child and love like he was my own. Which, for all I know, may be the closest that I ever get to being a mother. I'm so positive today!

beautiful let-down

I've been sitting at my computer studying diligently for the past seven or so hours, right up until the time that I decided to stop and check on some of my other grades which were posted online tonight. I thought I had done decently on one quiz in one of my classes, but when I saw my grade...I just don't feel like concentrating anymore. It's stupid, because there isn't anything I can do about it now, and I need to prepare for my exam tomorrow, but I can't help but be disappointed in myself for whatever it was that I did that was wrong. It makes me feel tired like I wasn't before. I suppose its exhausting to prepare so hard for something only to realize that you still didn't meet your expectations. I don't know what else I can do.

I know I need to just suck it up for now, learn from my mistakes and do really well on the other grades I have for that class. I still have some chances to make things up and get a decent grade--I just need to believe that I can actually accomplish that I guess. Until I can do something about it, I should also be studying for that final I have to take tomorrow and then trying to get some sleep. Sometimes, you just need a little distraction from all the things that are bothering you.

I have been really missing my pseudo-ex boyfriend lately. We've been talking on the phone a lot over the past couple weeks, and it just reminds me how much I liked him in the first place. I wish things could be different, but I know that they aren't. Sometimes it just makes me bitter. I hope that going home and seeing him isn't a huge mistake. I hope I'm able to realize that I need to keep him an pseudo-ex-boyfriend instead of getting into something I don't want and am not ready for. So many conflicting emotions. I wish I could just see into people's heads sometimes. It would make decision making a lot easier.

The Ghost of Holiday Future

Thanksgiving was quite the event. Lots of food, lots of booze, lots of dancing. Today, lots of Black Friday shopping. I, however, am punishing myself since I did not get my paper done on time, and have been left at home so that I can finally finish this thing and send it on its way. Not the m post awesome holiday plans, but as I've said this is really more of a punishment than a plan. Of course, this does not mean that my concentration is where it should be at all, nor does it mean that I seem likely to be finishing this anytime soon. I carry some hope with me though.

It was interesting to be invited to another family's Thanksgiving, full of Spanish that I didn't understand and different food to try. For example the stuffing was nearly all meat, instead of the normal bread stuffing that we make at home. No green bean casserole, just green beans. And a conspicuous (at least to me) lack of cresent rolls that I would have normally spent my entire meal consuming. Nonetheless, it was quite good, and it was much like a UN dinner with all the different nationalities we eventually had represented. My cheesecake was gone in less than 15 minutes, I've been told, so I assume that was a success. It's been so long since I've made a cheesecake though, I feel like I should have stretched myself a little more for something more daring than just a pain New York style with strawberries. But then again, that is what my family is for after all. I was just excited to have been invted to someone's house; to be included in festivities and not be sitting alone on campus with nothing to do and no one to be with. On the other hand, since I have officially decided to seek gainful employment next year instead of applying to law school, this will more likely than not be the last such year that I can afford to go somewhere.

I find myself thinking about that a lot lately, not just the future but the important holidays as well. Where am I going to be a year from now? Will I have somewhere to go for Thanksgiving? What about Christmas? This could well be my last holiday season with my family for a while, unless someone decideds to pay for my way back to California. I can't decide if its just a strange thought or a depressing one. Someday I hope to have my own new little family to spend these holidays with. A husband (god willing), maybe some kids. Despite the fact that we are quite some ways away from that, it's just something that I think about sometimes, especially when I'm considering that in such a short time I'm going to be on my own and trying to make my way in the real world. Honestly, I'm scared not to be a student anymore, but this is the choice that I had to make, and I'm not going to shirk from it just because it's difficult. Everyone has to grow up sometime. I'm farther along than most, I think, but I still have a ways to go. I wonder what it's going to be like, making that first Thanksgiving for the people I care about rather than having someone else make it for me. I think I am looking forward to that future, even if just in between being terrified of it.

procrastinate!

One hour and forty-five minutes before my last paper is due, and what am I doing? Procrastinating in every way possible, including talking to myself, cleaning my apartment, and writing blogs about how I should be doing my paper but am instead procrastinating by writing a blog about how I should be doing my paper. Oh yes, this is going to be a great example of how well I can bullshit about international relations theory.

Can my paper be done now?

The library and Harry Potter are our friends. The papers that we are supposed to be writing are not.

Thanksgiving week does tend to make a college campus quiet, with students ducking out of classes early to go home and others crowding into the library to try to get done those last couple of papers before the holiday. I am definitely of the latter group, though I am really looking forward to this trip to New York on Wednesday. I still have much to do before then, including buying something for my friend's parents who invited me to their house and surviving the pre-Thanksgiving party on Tuesday night. First of course is the work that I have to get done before then. Tibet has never quite seemed so boring.

I have mixed feelings about this holiday season, spending it with the family of someone else when I could be spending it by myself. I think that all-in-all this will be a good thing though, since it is definitely my first time to get to go to New York, and I would be insane to pass up an almost entirely paid vacation. Besides, my friends are nice, and I'm sure that I wouldn't have been invited if I wasn't really welcome. I just don't know how this is going to quite fit in with my studying and my papers and things that I have to do. I know if I stayed home the chances of me actually getting work done are decent, but I also know that it would be depressing as all hell. I haven't had a Thanksgiving since freshman year, and I feel like I would really be passing something up if I decided to stay here alone this last year. I guess I will just have to work hard and pull myself together while trying to have a good time. Lest it be more than just my grades suffering at the end of this year.

Back to my paper. Ugh....

Pre-Thanksgiving blues

An entire weekend wasted and little to nothing to show for my trouble. My paper is just as far from being complete as it was before the weekend started, and the way things are feeling right now I have absolutely no desire to start the other one either. I have the TV going in the background and some caffeine sitting next to me, but somehow all I can think about is how upset I am with my grades this semester and how I just have to do better than I am. Perhaps I can get sensei to take some pity on me for being sick when I took that one very unfortunate quiz, or I can do much much better on the next quiz. I feel like I was so much less productive this weekend than I should have been, and I'm rather upset with myself in addition to the stress that I'm feeling right now in the wake of needing to complete my papers and my regular homework.

On the plus side, Thanksgiving is this week, so I only have two days of classes to muddle through and then I can relax and enjoy a weekend in New York. I just have to actually make it that far first. Sheesh...

Unproductive

Right about now I would enjoy moving into the country and eating lots and lots of peaches. There are several reasons for this, some of which include: the building manager has turned up the heat inside so we are cooking instead of freezing, I have a literary Japanese test tomorrow, and my job is terrible and almost isn't worth how much I get paid. But then again, Obama won yesterday night and I had a rousing good time marching down to the White House with the rest of the drunk kids on campus and yelling obscenities through the iron gates. I'm so glad I stayed here instead of going to U of Chicago.

I leave tomorrow to go spend the weekend with my sister and my nephew, who is getting bigger and bigger every time I talk to her. I went kinda crazy again today, so I have lots of things to give the new family, including mostly Christmas stuff that I am looking forward to giving them in anticipation of Rohan's first holiday season. I wish I could be there with them this year. I am very drawn towards my sister, and I feel like I am the person closest to her in the family. My stepsister was lost to us when she decided to marry her husband, and I guess I feel that I can't bear the idea of that happening with my sister as well. Besides, my nephew is adorable, and any chance to be around him is welcomed by me.

I should be studying or something. I feel so unproductive.

Expectations

Not everything goes the way you want it. I find that lately I am falling short of my own expectations--my grades, my scores, my personal life--it constantly feels like I'm failing myself somehow. I don't think that I need to revise my standards. I think that the expectations that I have set for myself are not too high, but somehow my short comings still need to the addressed. I need a new, more rigorous study program for the second test. I need a new plan for my studies, keeping up with my homework and projects. I need a new exercise regiment, something to keep my body as active as my mind. More than anything, I need to have more faith in myself and my abilities. I need to think that I can achieve what I want, even if I have to work harder than some others to get there. I'm not like everyone else I know. Perhaps some people test better that others, and many other people's parents can afford for them to take courses that will help bring up their scores. I'm not one of those people, so I just need to do the best I can with what I have. If my second scores are high enough to meet my standards, than perhaps I can convince the schools that I'm interested in that my first test was a complete fluke. I have a lot riding on this test, and perhaps if my second goes as poorly as my first, then maybe at that point I need to consider the possibility of an MA program instead of a JD. I don't want to feel like I have gotten to that point. I don't want to fail at something that I feel would be in my best interests.

yay autumn!

Light send that I have never been one of those disgusting girlfriends that I've been seeing other people be in the past couple of weeks. I had to leave my room yesterday because the displays of affection from one of my roommates and her boyfriend was so uncomfortable. There doesn't seem to be any good reason for people to be that open in public. It's really a little ridiculous.

I accidentally skipped class this morning because I can't tell the snooze button from the dismiss button on my phone. I think this means that I need a real alarm clock. I hate spending money.

Other than that, the heat wave finally broke and the Washington D.C. area has been enjoying some glorious fall weather. I love it when it starts to get cool outside, time to break out the jackets and scarves and gloves. The crispness of the air is so refreshing; it just makes me want to grab a warm drink and sit outside and read. The colors of the leaves on the trees and the little bit of frost on your window when you wake up in the morning... Fall is definitely one of my favorite seasons. Sure, spring is pretty and all, but there is just something about that cool crisp autumn day that just can't be beat.

Remember: for those of you who are voting by absentee ballot, you should have already received it and remembered to mail it back in. I did my civic duty yesterday, and it felt great. You may not think that your vote has any effect, but it does more than you know.

Idle thoughts

At least no one can say that this wasn't a predictable result of me trying to juggle just one too many activities and getting caught up in the process.

My senior year. Hard to believe that I've finally gotten this far. So close to where I want to be, but so far from knowing what the hell that even is. I'm sitting at my desk trying to type out something about American power, trying to make thoughts come together and things make sense, but all in all I think that my time would be better spent sleeping or reading. I guess those are just the things that I want to do, not really what would be better for me. It's an interesting question though--American power. So many things to consider. Myself, I think that the reason why the United States is seen as being in a unique position from the previous leaders of the international system is because we made the face of the earth look the way it does, from the international institutions to the widespread virtues of American democracy. Now only if I could make my paper say all that without having to try too hard....

I want a job that I can hold down while still pursuing my interests: reading and writing and playing with nerdy video games and my cats. I am more than ready and willing to spend some time alone, as much time as I can handle at the moment. The one good thing about this year sucking as much as it has, I feel like I'm finally starting to level off, with no insane mood swings and no random crying over stupid things. I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere. We'll see how long that lasts.

Oh well. I hope I can make it to December without wetting myself. That new Kingdom Hearts games is looking mighty tasty...