Standards

Sometimes you can't help but fall below the standards you expect of yourself. It seems that, once again, school is going to be one of those topics. The best I can expect in one course is a B-, and I have an A- reported for another class. I was quite hoping that I would get an A in at least one class to bring up that grade. Now the best I can hope for is one A, when I was really striving for two or three.

Tired

Well, it's a good thing I'm already dead inside, because otherwise I would be a lot more upset about the past 24 hours. Yay!

I bought my Kingdom Hearts game for myself a couple days ago, and so far it's made me pretty happy. I don't think I enjoyed it as much as I thought I would though, especially since I'm feeling pretty damn exhausted from the past couple of hours and all I really want to do right now is sleep. I hate feeling alone and useless, but I hate even more that other people can make me feel like crap but I lack the ability to make myself feel better. I mean really, how fair is that? I should have more control over myself than other people have over me. The worst part is I'm not sure if its just a mental thing that I don't understand or if it's just a part of my personality that until now I haven't realized. Is it something I can help, or is it just another character flaw that I need to adjust for the rest of my life? Who really knows?

My family was blessed with a nephew this past week, a healthy baby boy. I won't get to meet the child for a while; such that I don't even really know when. I will have to make up for it by spending lots of time with my sister's child, whom I know to be an adorable child and love like he was my own. Which, for all I know, may be the closest that I ever get to being a mother. I'm so positive today!

beautiful let-down

I've been sitting at my computer studying diligently for the past seven or so hours, right up until the time that I decided to stop and check on some of my other grades which were posted online tonight. I thought I had done decently on one quiz in one of my classes, but when I saw my grade...I just don't feel like concentrating anymore. It's stupid, because there isn't anything I can do about it now, and I need to prepare for my exam tomorrow, but I can't help but be disappointed in myself for whatever it was that I did that was wrong. It makes me feel tired like I wasn't before. I suppose its exhausting to prepare so hard for something only to realize that you still didn't meet your expectations. I don't know what else I can do.

I know I need to just suck it up for now, learn from my mistakes and do really well on the other grades I have for that class. I still have some chances to make things up and get a decent grade--I just need to believe that I can actually accomplish that I guess. Until I can do something about it, I should also be studying for that final I have to take tomorrow and then trying to get some sleep. Sometimes, you just need a little distraction from all the things that are bothering you.

I have been really missing my pseudo-ex boyfriend lately. We've been talking on the phone a lot over the past couple weeks, and it just reminds me how much I liked him in the first place. I wish things could be different, but I know that they aren't. Sometimes it just makes me bitter. I hope that going home and seeing him isn't a huge mistake. I hope I'm able to realize that I need to keep him an pseudo-ex-boyfriend instead of getting into something I don't want and am not ready for. So many conflicting emotions. I wish I could just see into people's heads sometimes. It would make decision making a lot easier.